April 1, 2009

Pride, Confidence.... and Doubt, too

I've been thinking lately about this line from a good Avett Brothers song:

"I once heard the worse thing
A man could do is draw a hungry crowd
Tell everyone his name, pride, and confidence
But leaving out his doubt"

Not that I feel I'm drawing much of a crowd on my humble blog here, but I do feel that in this place I tend to tell most about the postives in life. When it comes to the kids & being a parent, I don't really have much for doubts. I speak the truth when I say that I love what I do, raising these kids. They fill each day with positives, even when they're sick, or muddy, or decorating themselves or their bedskirts with markers or chocolate syrup.
I love it, I love them. They are my pride & confidence.

But I don't want to be painting a rose colored pitcure.
Doubts, in the bigger picture, I have many.

Mitch & I talk a lot about these things, and lately I'm feeling the urge to share more about them. I don't want to offend anyone with my thoughts, but at the same time, I need to be true to myself. I write here in large part for my children, and it's important to me that they know my true thoughts on raising them in this world, including the doubts which affect our decisions.

In all honesty, The world, in many ways, gets me down.
I'm discouraged greatly by the vanity & greed all around us. GREATLY.

I am disturbed by mothers who are more in love with themselves than they are with their children. Disturbed, on so many levels.

I see wastefullness everyday and it bothers me, deeply.

The town 10+ miles to our north is creating a glow above the trees outside my bedroom window at night that is growing noticeably each year. Turn out your lights! All this talk about energy crisis, energy costs, and yet the sprawl continues. Huge, lit up parking lots, beaming away wastefully while we sleep. If I need to run to the store in the wee hours, I'm ok with parking close and just having a few lights on, instead of fifty. Stop the glow. Leave me my dark starry sky, and let my children know it as I have.

People are tampering with nature, making babies from science test tubes. I find it irresponsible & unethical, to say the very least. I have a lot of doubt there. We are in a health care crisis, there are diseases like cancer to be cured, and hard working people who can't afford care. But somehow, money is still being spent & procedures are still being done to result in a single, unemployed mother, giving birth to EIGHT babies at once (while she already has six more!) Those poor children. Humans are not meant to have eight babies at a time. Physically, nor in the respect that babies need stimulation & interaction & love, and one mother doesn't have enough arms, nor hours in a day to provide the sufficient amount of that for 8 babies during those early, crucial developing stages. Financially is a whole 'nother story. Let's add some more burden to those who are already shouldering the load.

I see fields & farms being developed left & right, and it bums me out. I drove by a sign that pointed to a landfill site the other day and felt myself cringe with doubt... Ignorance is making the earth's surface so ugly.

We attended a large event over the weekend that sold thousands of plastic bottled beverages; a multi-million dollar facility that fails to invest in a few twenty dollar barrels to recycle.
Brings me more doubt in our people, our schools, communities.

I do have doubts, for sure.
But I have hope too.
Borrowing from a wise friend's words, I see "visions of beauty, reasons to fight."
And while I work at voicing my doubts, my family, our children, my pride & confidence; they will remain well told, as they should be. :)

5 comments:

  1. Speak, you. We will listen, and learn.

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  2. What a wonderful blog!!!

    I love it, it's like you have been reading my mind. I'm so glad to hear and know that other parents share those same doubts with me.

    As Bodie would say " You're Awesome!!"

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  3. Amanda you have such a wonderful way with words! Thanks for your insiteful posts I love reading them but don't always have time to respond. Anyways take care and know that eventually it will get worse and then it will be better right. The worst always has to come first because as humans it is in our nature appreantly to seek failure before a solution. Now I can agree with you `1000000% on the whole 8 babies thing. When I heard that I just wanted to cry, I have six and to have 8 I just thought how horrible for those little babies to never know their mothers love. She will never have enough time, enough energy, enough arms, enough of anything to give those babies a fulfilling life. And then to have 6 more that will no longer have a mom, she said once that all they needed was a minute or two with her and they were fine. I totally disagree, one minute with your mom tells you that you are only worth one minute but to lay on the floor and play games for hours, or play outside for hours, or go for hikes or bike rides or endless other things take mroe than one minute and those are the things that memories are made of and the things children need to find their passions, and their own place to fit into their familes. To have one or two minutes means you will always know you weren't important enough to not get 8 more siblings at once. I think it is horrible the way that people would seek attention! I hide my children from attention, I don't like people knowing their names and ages or problems. There are so many horrible people in this world, why would you try so hard to have them in the media? I would rather be dirt poor then have my life in front of a tv. God bless her and hope that she can succeed and raise those children right and with as much love as a mother can possess!

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  4. Thank you, friends, for all your encouraging words & feedback!

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  5. WB would say: I have hope, but that doesn't mean I'm optimistic.

    Great post here. It's comforting for folks to know that others are upset by the items and issues you cite. A ahared burden. Well, I shouldn't speak for others - I can say it's comforting for me when I see that others are thinking on these things too. I spend a lot of time grinding away thoughts and words on the items you mention (and other related things).

    If you get a chance, pick up some Wendell Berry stuff and give it a look (maybe you already have). He's like a lot of folks, but he has the genius to say perfectly what others want to say but can't quite manage with eloquence. Try out The Long-Legged House maybe.

    You've probably read this before, but your post prompts another citation: http://fishingandthinking.blogspot.com/2006/05/pardon-lack-of-formatting-didnt-come.html

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